So much to do, so little time...

Now, I am starting to go through the book, "Mind Over Mood," which I'm hoping will help me work through some of my issues regarding relationships, depression, anxiety and stuff. My emotional compass as I call it, is likely near one of my top priorities in a sense but I'm starting to see how this may go a different way. By emotional compass, I mean that automatic reaction in certain situations such as being told to "Take it easy," "Relax," or "Calm down," where I tend to have this disappointment and anger reaction generally. The disappointment is sadness over messing up and feeling bad and unworthy, while the anger is a self-loathing and critical. Now, initially I had the thought that this is something to correct and fix, but now I'm starting to think there is a way to let those initial reactions wash over me and see if that helps get me back on track which I'm starting to hope would be a better course of action to try.

I also recently finished reading "The Introvert's Advantage" which showed me how in some ways I really am quite introverted yet at the same time not quite the uber introvert I thought I was. I go to various social events where the key is that the focus of that event is something that interests me, whether this be a few games of Euchre or discussions on various philosophical ideas that intrigue me. The structure of these meetings are part of what I rely on to get out of my shell and participate within a certain structure, part of which stems from my Judging preference in MBTI. In its own way, I find it quite interesting to investigate the various parts of myself and knowing what I have and am in various ways.

Decisions, decisions....

I've been contemplating about getting a new phone since my current phone is a little old and possibly getting one of those smartphones rather than just a mobile phone. The idea of having my e-mail, Facebook and Twitter all infront of me is kind of exciting in some ways and I'd be curious to see how some of my forum sites would appear on a phone's screen instead of my 24" home screen or 19" work monitors. This is still at the contemplation point because of a few things:

• When would that new "Droid X" come to Canada? I know it comes out in the States in mid-July so I wonder if a Canadian launch would be far away from that.
• Even without that new phone in the mix, do I know which model I want? Do I want a Blackberry or one of those newer Motorola phones? I know I'll probably not get a HTC phone but that still leaves me with plenty of choices.
• How much more would the cheapest data plan be compared to what I pay now? This is likely one of the stickier pointst. Also, do I change carriers or stay where I am?
• When will the Android update come for some of the newer models in Canada like the Backflip that looks kind of cool?

As I said before, this is still something I'm mulling over and trying to sift through to find what phone will work for me. No, I will not go for an iPhone unless someone is paying me a million bucks to get one. My current phone is a LG chocolate slider but like I said it is kind of old and I could go for an upgrade soon.

My quest to be a man....

Today I was told a few things about what men want and what women want that I'm going to post here and see where my trains of thought take me, possibly into nonsense or insanity. In a sense, I understand that I'm still trying to become a man and resolve in the 21st century what is the role of an adult male in society which I may never fully resolve. Anyway, onto these few points of what it means to be a man:

• Live an adventure - Men are supposed to take risks and have a life where exciting things happen. This prevents a guy from having a dull boring life, like I ever had a shot at that even.
  
• Fight epic battles - Men are supposed to fight for justice and honor, all that jazz. I can relate to this more than the previous point as I do see the various battles in my life.
  
• Find a beauty - Men aren't supposed to be alone. The theory here being that God made Eve for Adam and thus men even now are supposed to follow in that model.
  

For women, here were the points given:

• Irreplaceable object - Women are supposed to feel like they are special to a man.
  
• Lean into strength - Women are supposed to rely on men.
  
• Be a beauty - Women are to be valued highly as the wonderful people they are.

What I notice in this is how the women's side tend to be more intangible than the other side. While I can get they are supposed to complement each other, it strikes me as odd that one side seems to be a bit more real and physical than the other. If anyone else reads this and has thoughts feel free to post them as I'm curious as to how others see this.

My adventures last night....

Last night, there was a "Chill-out and Geek-out" party that I attended an Irish pub in town. This was my first time going to a Meetup of this group and I was curious as to what would happen. Would there be various discussions on technology? Would there be some "Star Trek" vs "Star Wars" fanboy debates to be navigated? Someone mentioned possibly bringing an xBox or Playstation which I found kind of odd. I managed to be the second one there as the first one just entered ahead of me and thus I wasn't alone. Woo-hoo! At the same time, neither of us was an organizer but we did chat a bit and I got settled down in this room in the basement of the pub. There was a silent auction outside raising money for cancer so that did play a little role in how loud other things were. I now appreciate much more how I just have a hard time sitting in a bar with loud music and wonder, "Ok, now what do I do?"

Thankfully I wasn't alone so there are others to converse and try to have some kind of adventure for the night. Time seemed to fly by as while I was there just before 7, I didn't leave until 11:40 and even then it was because my friend who borrows my car was wanting to go to bed. Alternative strategy for future meetings would be to see if someone could give me a ride home but I'll save that for later. There were a couple games of "Zombie Fluxx" and a few rounds of "A-hole" along with someone bringing an iPad and various discussions on things like the idea of a "Geeks with Guns" club which was kind of funny.

On my way out, there were a couple of women who stopped me as I had my lunchbox with me. The lunchbox has my glucometer, journal, and a few snacks in it just in case my sugars go low which can happen quite a bit of the time. Anyway, they wanted to know what I was carrying. I was polite and civil, but afterward I thought, "Why didn't you exchange some contact information?" Ugh, I so suck at continuing relationships which I get but there are those opportunities in life and who knows what my next one will look like. Anyway, I said that I had a glucometer and the other one knew what that meant and did tell the other one that I was diabetic. It also dawned on me that I have never gone to a bar on my own without there being either friends at the bar or an event that I'm attending. I always have something else that connects me there.

Another week in my life has passed

Maybe I'll just settle into doing weekly posts for a while and see how that goes. This week had its moments that are quite something. At one end, there is someone over in Africa that I've exchanged a few e-mails with and will see what develops there. She claims that her late father set up a bank account in the U.K. and needs a foreign representative to help access the money. Do I totally believe this story? No, but I am trying to help and have sent a couple of e-mails to see what comes next. A little while back I'd get these e-mails from women in Russia and while it would sound like a soap opera to disclose all that was shared, it was funny how those e-mails have just dried up. Maybe they realized I wasn't going to send them any money or something else happened. I don't know, but I do know that I would pour a part of my heart into each e-mail and sometimes be rather shocked by just how deeply some got into what I'd send. It was almost like how I would have imagined a mail-order bride situation where there are the basic messages of "Hi, are you going to hurt me?" and then various messages that involve things I've seen in dozens of chick flicks over the years.

Near the end of my week was a rather interesting dinner with a friend. We reviewed some of what is going on in my life and in some ways a gauntlet was thrown down. I could have a meal a week with this person to help me get my life in order but the price for this is that I be committed to falling through on what is asked and this not be a waste of time where I rationalize my life choices.

At the other end of my week was a meeting with a recruiter that went quite well. We talked for an hour and a half about where I work, me, what I'm wanting in a new position and a few opportunities he had for me to consider. This could be where I go onward and upward in terms of my career. In a way, I feel like I'm at a odd crossroads in my life. I know part of what I want, and now have to figure out how to bring that into my life. What will happen from this is anyone's guess, but I do find it funny how some in the office know something is going on and some are just turning a blind eye.

Where am I going....

This seems to be my big question now. This past week, I did 50 minutes of cardio a couple of times and was amazed that I did it. I survived it and discovered that maybe I do have more stamina and endurance than I thought I did. For my next big goal of the week, I think I want to try to do 60 minutes twice a week at an above moderate intensity. Part of this is trying to stick to the plan and part of it is setting new goals once old ones are achieved.

Finding connections in the world is something else I've been pondering as I know relationships are part of life where I struggle. Living so much of my life alone, it is hard to get to know how well do I know people. At what point is someone a friend versus an acquaintence? At what point do you know who to ask the big questions? These are other thoughts percolating on my mind lately.

Thoughts on love...

While I'll admit to not understanding it well, love as a concept is something I find very fascinating. Whenever someone says, "I love you," I'll almost always ponder for a moment, what is meant by the L-word. My sister for example, will tell relatives that she loves them, but will she call them? No. Will she visit them? No. Yet, she would say that she loves them and for me this frustrates me greatly. While one could argue that my parents would be better role models here, the age factor and other differences make it harder to relate in many ways. My mother was great at compartmentalizing everything so she could appear however she wanted to appear, kind of like a chameleon to my mind. My father on the other hand, was a hard working guy that just seemed to put too much work into everything for me to want to follow in that tradition. Thus, I grew up a little isolated and kind of left on my own. This makes me have all kinds of thoughts and ideas about love, some of which comes from literary sources as this is a rather common human experience to share and endure.

Being loved for who someone is, rather than what they think or do is an interesting challenge to my mind. Do you have someone that loves you no matter what you do? That will be there, through thick and thin, that wants to hear the adventures that are your life? At times I think I do, though at others I know of others that want to learn this too. For all the talk of God and his being everywhere, I see the flip side being something that all too often gets overlooked. Satan has his power too and one shouldn't forget about this in terms of what can influence one's life. I do know of some communities where I am loved and it feels fabulous, this I know. What I don't know is how well do I show love unto others or ask for this feedback as it would seem like I could be opening a Pandora's box in asking, not that that should stop me.

There are times where I ponder if I'll ever really date. To my mind, dating doesn't suit me in the traditional model of how I see it. If I rarely go out for dinner or see movies, how is going on a date with someone else to do this going to help me determine what kind of relationship I want? It would seem to make more sense to go where I'd usually go and have this person also be there though I'm not sure how easily doable that is.