Aftermath of a hot seat....

This past Sunday I had my turn in the hot seat in my Creation Circle.  This is where I got the opportunity to have the others in my circle focus in on a specific problem I'm having and get help/support for this issue.  Now, leading up to the meeting I had more than a few conversations with my "coach" to help nail down the issue so that discussing the issue will be of value to everyone in the group.  While we started with how I can get rather emotional, we did get a little digging to get a bit deeper into the issue.

The issue I decided upon was my issue of self-confidence.  Now, if I'm in my comfort zone, I'll rarely have confidence issues as I can feel like King Kong in those places most of the time.  At other times, I may struggle whether this is in starting a conversation, introducing myself, or opening up in some cases.  Now, just before the hot seat, there were some exercises done as part of the meeting around getting our needs met that in a way overlapped with this that was a bit creepy.  Perhaps it is just a divine hand guiding things along that makes it seem really weird that things line up so well here and that is what threw me.  In the dyad I had, I got to share some of my background on this and got some interesting feedback.  In a way, it was the kind of kick I needed and served me quite well in being prepared for the hot seat.

Part of my time there was explaining the issue which I'd reckon is typical.  What I managed to get from this group was some amazing insights and ideas that will really help a great deal.  The idea of confidence being built instead of found was definitely something to shift my frame of reference.  That I tend to go for external validation at times was another useful point.  I do have the work of going through all my different groups to see which are the ones that feed me and which are the ones that drain me.  Last but not least is the idea of honoring myself.  This was tended to throw my stomach into knots which I could take as a sign of being an issue to work through soon.  Why would I have an issue with celebrating the awesomeness that I am?  Lots of different ideas come to mind though what if I just did things for myself to find what works to be ways of acknowledging that I am great at times.

People person, moi? Really?

Yet again in my life I confront the challenge that is, "Am I a people person?" to which I have to answer, "Yes, I am."  I say this in part because of how socializing can impact my day in both good and bad ways.  One of my biggest needs is to be connected to others which can take the form of some Facebook replies that I post a comment and then the original poster posts a follow-up that just melts me and hits my ooey-gooey center.  In a similar vein, if I had a day where I'm not reaching out to others, that tends to leave me feeling a bit hollow and empty.

Some people will tell me I have a beautiful soul.  I have reached a point in my life where I accept this compliment and try to avoid over-analyzing it.  I do think there is a lot to be said for how someone handles someone else crossing a boundary.  For example, I recently a Facebook friend post a private message that sparked a good discussion where I think opening up what was said allowed for some great exchanges of ideas.

A new quotient to study...

What about the idea of a "Hugging Quotient?" I've had days where getting dozens of hugs just made that day awesome. Granted not everyone is a hugger but how does one found out who are and aren't? It is a rather personal question in more than a few ways.

This is without getting into the style of various hugs. There is the great squishy hug that tends to be my favorite though depending on the person this isn't always a good idea, e.g. if someone looks old enough to be my grandmother this hug may be a bit too much someone frail and delicate. Then there are the manly one arm hugs. I've had a few 15 minute hugfests that were rather interesting experiences. I've also heard some massive wailing hugs that I wonder if I was in that what would it be like? The wailing coming from someone that I'd think was working through some deep trauma but will be OK as I've seen this in a couple of church-y situations.

Though let me state here that I love hugs. I enjoy giving and getting. Upon request I do shift my style as I'd never want to force myself onto someone. If someone wants a gentle touch, I can do that. If someone wants the hard core, spin them around while embraced then I could do that too. Each has its place in being a wonderful expression of love.

The God wink du jour

Earlier tonight I was at this dinner Meetup and had this wonderful experience that I just have to share here. Way after the main meal there was this late discussion between a vegan and someone curious to know why someone would choose such a life style there was this quirky little moment where I mentioned "The Light Cellar" which was a place I learned about at "The Seed Event" as she had mentioned she wanted to find more places to get raw food.

The change in this person's eyes was remarkable. You'd think I'd pass along a recipe for ambrosia or something in that ballpark of awesomeness. It was like someone that had lived in the desert for weeks and I came with a fire hose and an ocean of water to quench that thirst. I got all giddy inside and will now await the next time in my life where I'll have this kind of yummy moment as I know another is coming soon.

God's magic in the world...

Last night being the first Monday of the month, I had the plan of attending "ReVision Your Life" which would be through the ReSolutions Meetup group though Mother Nature threw a monkey wrench into that. By the time I realized that the location would be closed I was already there and figured, "Ok, something is up here so I'll check my e-mail." There was a message that the organizer changed the format to a webinar and so I just switched to a backup plan at this point.

That plan being "Tehillah Monday" where I was earlier in the day helping the bands set up as the previous week I had my original plans fall through and this was something someone suggested and so I figured, "Do I really have something better to do? Not really." Thus, I show up at 6:30 and notice a few people going into the church at this time that seems really early.

While the music was quite something there were a few other things that also seemed oddly poignant for me:

Fashion notes - I decided to wear my "Creator's Code" shirt on this day just as something that would be neat yet at the end of the night I was asked about it and had a lovely conversation with someone about it. There was also someone that wore these sparkly pants that I doubt I'll get out of my head anytime soon.

Offering - As an offering is taken there is a question put forth for those in the audience in need of a job to put their hands up and this would be one of a few times in that night where up goes my hand as I am in that situation. While there isn't really any judgment here externally, there is that internal sense of failure for being in this situation where I either be honest and put up my hand or I hide from the world which would be my old style. I go for the hand up and have one of a few crying moments on this night.

Altar call - This would be the big "A-ha"-y moment where in the first round of calling people forward, I thought, "That isn't for me. I had my Jesus intellection throw down 2 years ago and got baptized that Easter, this couldn't be for me." Anyway, a second call is put forth and this time I sense a, "Go do this and see what happens," to which being in the second row I'm not moving far but I figure I owe it to myself if noone else to go do this. Now, this leads to the ~40 of us being led into the Chapel and this would be where I'd claim the 2nd box of Kleenex for me to start going through as I am just ridiculously emotional on this night. Quite intense and yet I tell my story as calmly as I can and get a new Bible and think, "Eeeek, where do I go from here?" I kind of felt like I had outed myself as someone that needed some help that kind of made more broken than someone should be at church.

If there is one great challenge I have with these kinds of services, it is figuring out the hugging ettiquette. Within my comfort zone I'd imagine most people know that I really like hugs though as I get outside of that it becomes more of a paradox where what is appropriate is the big question. I see all these other people hugging and part of me wants to yell, "I WANT THAT! GOD YOU KNOW I WANT THAT!" and I suspect in my inner voice that call does go out but I don't really get a response and so a little more heartache follows. What will I do about this? Well, that is what I'm still trying to strategize over...

Empire Avenue

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Empire Avenue is this site I found where it is kind of interesting to buy shares in people and build up an empire by holding shares in others. I've only been on it a few days but it does appear kind of interesting. The start of this post was a verification code they requested and thus this quasi-useless post.

Listening vs Paying Attention

Not long ago, I had to explain the difference between these two ideas as to my mind there is a world of difference between them. Listening is merely my ear's recording something that happens and nothing more. There is no extra effort spent to process or analyze what was heard. This is where if I spare some mental processing power to analyze and sift through something to have some new result then I did pay attention and got somewhere with it.

There are times where I enjoy playing semantics and toying with words. Which words to use in what circumstances and how can I put them together for various effects. Alliteration can be quite cool to have the repetition of a sound over and over again. Other times it can be fun to just pull from movie lines and see what happens.