That plan being "Tehillah Monday" where I was earlier in the day helping the bands set up as the previous week I had my original plans fall through and this was something someone suggested and so I figured, "Do I really have something better to do? Not really." Thus, I show up at 6:30 and notice a few people going into the church at this time that seems really early.
While the music was quite something there were a few other things that also seemed oddly poignant for me:
Fashion notes - I decided to wear my "Creator's Code" shirt on this day just as something that would be neat yet at the end of the night I was asked about it and had a lovely conversation with someone about it. There was also someone that wore these sparkly pants that I doubt I'll get out of my head anytime soon.
Offering - As an offering is taken there is a question put forth for those in the audience in need of a job to put their hands up and this would be one of a few times in that night where up goes my hand as I am in that situation. While there isn't really any judgment here externally, there is that internal sense of failure for being in this situation where I either be honest and put up my hand or I hide from the world which would be my old style. I go for the hand up and have one of a few crying moments on this night.
Altar call - This would be the big "A-ha"-y moment where in the first round of calling people forward, I thought, "That isn't for me. I had my Jesus intellection throw down 2 years ago and got baptized that Easter, this couldn't be for me." Anyway, a second call is put forth and this time I sense a, "Go do this and see what happens," to which being in the second row I'm not moving far but I figure I owe it to myself if noone else to go do this. Now, this leads to the ~40 of us being led into the Chapel and this would be where I'd claim the 2nd box of Kleenex for me to start going through as I am just ridiculously emotional on this night. Quite intense and yet I tell my story as calmly as I can and get a new Bible and think, "Eeeek, where do I go from here?" I kind of felt like I had outed myself as someone that needed some help that kind of made more broken than someone should be at church.
If there is one great challenge I have with these kinds of services, it is figuring out the hugging ettiquette. Within my comfort zone I'd imagine most people know that I really like hugs though as I get outside of that it becomes more of a paradox where what is appropriate is the big question. I see all these other people hugging and part of me wants to yell, "I WANT THAT! GOD YOU KNOW I WANT THAT!" and I suspect in my inner voice that call does go out but I don't really get a response and so a little more heartache follows. What will I do about this? Well, that is what I'm still trying to strategize over...