Friday, April 30, 2010

Time to get real with my fears

Last night I was asked to write out a few gaps I have in my life and I'm thinking I should post them here as well, just so I can remember them as it may be worthwhile to come back and see if I still have the same view or not in the future. Here are the three gaps I wrote:
  • My heart sucks and is full of crap. While I can acknowledge this is totally based on fear, it is still something that resonates within me. In my past, I have had rejections that likely make this feel deeper than it really is, but this is definitely something for me to work through as my life continues to have its story written.
  • I don't take proper care of myself and don't understand why this is so important to other people. This is kind of like a demon from my past, where it wasn't that long ago that I really showered quite infrequently and rarely got comments on it so I figured, "Hey, if it was really so bad, someone would say something right?" Well eventually someone did, but by this point I was in my early 30s, so there is something to be said for this being a combination of education and encouragement to overcome this and most criticisms will have my fear winning in no time.
  • I should know how to be a man and be doing it already. This is kind of like the first point in that it is all false expectations and uncertain stuff. Now that we are a few decades after women's liberation where women got to be anything a man can be, what is the role of the modern man? I do mean this as a sincere honest question for anyone out there that wants to answer. Is it merely that a male has existed for so man years on the planet that makes a guy a man? That doesn't quite seem proper to my mind and so I have the question but not really a great resource for the answer.
Some of these are easy for me to write and express, but moving past the identifying of the problem, there is the rub to my mind. I'm also reminded of the idea that I have to figure out how to work exercise into my daily routine. I imagine this could be true for a lot of people and depending on how one was raised, this could still be a great challenge. Is it so horrible that my parents didn't teach me about some of these finer points of life? That's a really good question to my mind but for the moment I think I'll put it off to the side as I'm not sure any answer will bring me peace which is really one of a few things I desire these days.

I still have my moments where I get nervous or anxious, but my toolbox for dealing with this is getting much better. In yesterday's exercise class, I had my mouth full when I was supposed answer something and so I just chewed properly and swallowed rather than try to do something fancy to get past the problem as quickly as possible. I do realize that I need to "let go" and this will be the theme of my next week or two of life that I need to get some stuff straightened out and then I can get back on figuring out where I want my life to go. In a way, it is an amazing thing that someone in the modern world can have this question and be given the freedom to answer it that I have if one really looks at it. Yes I have bills and other basic things to handle, but I don't have so much working against me that I'm forced into anything.

3 comments:

  1. J.B. While these are very personal thoughts, I tread lightly and respectfully. I want to encourage you that the gaps you mentioned are circular. I believe that what you said at the end is very key!

    [I still have my moments where I get nervous or anxious, but my toolbox for dealing with this is getting much better.]

    we are all imperfect, but step by step, alignment does come and it is all about slowing shifting into a lifestyle which honors our values more from our core authentic being.

    I want to encourage you in the one gap that most touched my heart, and hope that this helps you to be more gentle on yourself:

    you said:
    * My heart sucks and is full of crap. While I can acknowledge this is totally based on fear, it is still something that resonates within me. In my past, I have had rejections that likely make this feel deeper than it really is, but this is definitely something for me to work through as my life continues to have its story written.

    your heart is beautiful and it is cleansing itself. Rather than it getting better, it just needs emptied out. It is amazing what we let into our hearts and it just feels yucky,.. but if you start protecting your heart and guarding it with your spirit as a filter, while keeping it open to those things that are beautiful to you and where you feel nudged to serve, then you will notice healing will come to you until you have a whole heart again. I can say this because it happened for me, and we are both loved equally by source. You are doing great, just keep cleansing, and praying it through the rough times, taking baby steps until you get the stride again :)

    you are right about your story transforming! Think of it like your redemption story. Think of your life story as the base, the workable material. The redemption is the fixings that first smooth and then decorate or top off and polish who you are. First there must be a clearing away of all that does not serve you, and then you can start to experience the rebuilding.

    there is a quote that I read recently that resonated so much, I hope it helps you also with encouragement: It says:

    "when you seek only to add more in your life, you will get it, at the cost of being less than who you are."

    you see the richness is the simplicity of the heart and the core. Everything else that is confusing and overwhelming and feels crappy is just the sludge that we all gather.. in letting go, rather than searching out more, the layers fall off, until eventually we are ALL heart.. "whole" as a jewel!

    stay encouraged, you are doing great!
    xx
    Jenn

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  2. [ I should know how to be a man and be doing it already. ]

    one question for you to consider: Is this not part of the journey itself, so you cannot know already.. if it is a journey. You will know piece by piece.

    I highly recommend this mentor you might be interested in.. John Eldredge (he has a heart for leading men into their deeper personal journeys with God)
    here is his site: http://www.ransomedheart.com/

    his book is Wild at Heart, and I think he has a new book coming out soon also!

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  3. Thanks Jenn. Sometimes a little encouragement can be so helpful and useful. That outside perspective is also nice too.

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