- My heart sucks and is full of crap. While I can acknowledge this is totally based on fear, it is still something that resonates within me. In my past, I have had rejections that likely make this feel deeper than it really is, but this is definitely something for me to work through as my life continues to have its story written.
- I don't take proper care of myself and don't understand why this is so important to other people. This is kind of like a demon from my past, where it wasn't that long ago that I really showered quite infrequently and rarely got comments on it so I figured, "Hey, if it was really so bad, someone would say something right?" Well eventually someone did, but by this point I was in my early 30s, so there is something to be said for this being a combination of education and encouragement to overcome this and most criticisms will have my fear winning in no time.
- I should know how to be a man and be doing it already. This is kind of like the first point in that it is all false expectations and uncertain stuff. Now that we are a few decades after women's liberation where women got to be anything a man can be, what is the role of the modern man? I do mean this as a sincere honest question for anyone out there that wants to answer. Is it merely that a male has existed for so man years on the planet that makes a guy a man? That doesn't quite seem proper to my mind and so I have the question but not really a great resource for the answer.
I still have my moments where I get nervous or anxious, but my toolbox for dealing with this is getting much better. In yesterday's exercise class, I had my mouth full when I was supposed answer something and so I just chewed properly and swallowed rather than try to do something fancy to get past the problem as quickly as possible. I do realize that I need to "let go" and this will be the theme of my next week or two of life that I need to get some stuff straightened out and then I can get back on figuring out where I want my life to go. In a way, it is an amazing thing that someone in the modern world can have this question and be given the freedom to answer it that I have if one really looks at it. Yes I have bills and other basic things to handle, but I don't have so much working against me that I'm forced into anything.