What do I really want

This question has plagued me for a long time. There are tons of different answers I've wanted to give over the years though right now I like the idea of sharing my heart with the world. There are other things I want too like being healthy, having a successful life, being a man, etc. I believe that in sharing my heart, various doors will be opened so that new goals will become apparent or possibly a path to achieving them will become an option. Thus, I'm trying to concentrate my focus for now to one thing rather than trying to do too much at once.

Of course having spent so much of my life confronted with this question and feeling like there had to be a right answer, when in reality there are numerous good answers if I'll just listen to my heart instead of my head, and I sought it repeatedly. I dabbled into various psychology and behavior ideas that may help explain what am I here to do, what is the purpose of my life, what am I supposed to achieve in my life.

Moderation has struck me as a rather useful point for so many things in life. Kind of like that pendulum that is trying to stop in the middle, it is a constant struggle to hit that spot exactly and not be too far on either side of any topic. Not too liberal, not too conservative. Not too interesting, not too boring. The list can go on and on really.

I doubt I've admitted that for most of the past 25 years, I've been the one driving my life. I got to decide what I wanted to do and did whatever I felt like in many ways. Yes, I did my schooling as far as I could and then went on to find a job like most other people I'd imagine. However, in pursuing my schooling, I'm not sure I ever got the feeling of someone really being there with me. Someone that understood where I was, what I was doing and most importantly, would listen to me in such a way that I knew this person got me. It can be so easy to just nod and say, "Uh uh" and fake showing interest which irks me and may be why I'm careful about what I share and where I share it. At times, I think I have a turtle mentality. If threatened or disrespected, into my shell I'll go and hide. Meanwhile, if encouraged and welcomed, out I'll come and share what I have. Do I have a lot to give? Probably, I have numerous stories of what I've done in my life and various thoughts and feelings that I'd like to share but how do I find those that want to hear those stories?

My final thought is around my thought that I may be shifting where my personality would be categorized by Myers-Briggs and Keirsey to give a couple of examples of personality sorting methodologies. I suspect that as I listen more to my heart and use it, that I'll become more of a feeler than a thinker. While this is scary in a way, as I am changing a part of myself, this could also be quite cool to picture where this will take me. Thus, instead of being that INTJ, I may become an INFJ which seems to be a fairly rare type from what I could find out about it. Parts of each type resonate well with me. I like keeping things hidden, looking at the big picture, and having structure so the INxJ is 75% of where I am. That last one though is what may be changing.